Down Day

Today is a down day.

I have them all the time, but they occur more and more frequently as our fertility journey continues. I have no reason to be sad today more than any other day. I’m 8 days post trigger on my second Femara + TI¬†cycle. My follicle was big and my lining was beautiful, and honestly I have the same success rate this month as a normally fertile person. Sometimes I hold onto this thought in my darkest moments.

I’ve done a lot of research (via Google, of course) on fertility and depression and I’m convinced¬†that’s what’s going on. It’s unbelievably common. How cruel is it to have 2 different conditions that are “taboo” to talk about? Everything is starting to look up in my life actually, the treatment seems to be working (I was ready to ovulate on CD14 when I triggered!), I applied to get my PhD in Bioinformatics and had a stellar interview, and DH and I are looking at houses in the city for our first home. Yet it’s hard to get my mind to stop going down dark paths. A couple of days ago I actually googled “infertility and suicidal thoughts” because I was having a hard time with such little hope.

I’m a lot better today. I still don’t want to move off of the couch with my comfort food, my cats, and my pajamas, but DH and I are going out to buy stuff for Valentine’s Day breakfast and dinner. Maybe we will do a little wine tasting tonight as well! No, today isn’t nearly as bad as some days, and I know that if AF comes then I will spiral down again, but I wanted to be sure to share with you how I’m feeling as I KNOW I’m not alone in this. I’m never alone, as there are so many women, maybe even my family and friends, standing silently in the shadows suffering the same way I do. The more we talk about it, the more we can be recognized, and hopefully the more we can start to heal.

I hope you have a wonderful Valentine’s Day. Hold on to your partner tight and hold on to hope!