Lonely. Sad. Tired. Worried. Scared. Failure.
Chapter two of my fertility journey started the day after Christmas, which of course made phone calls and scheduling for this cycle more difficult than I was hoping. Today is CD9 and for the past 4 days I have taken 2.5mg of Letrozole (Femara) at 3pm on the dot. I called my RE office on CD5 in a panic because I wasn’t sure about what time I should take the pill, and then followed up with a whole slew of questions like:
-What if I overstimulate?
-Why am I not getting monitoring before CD14?
-What if I get a positive OPK on or before my HSG on CD11?
-Am I allowed to have sex before my HSG?
-Are you SURE that’s a good time to take the pill?
And to each question my nurse replied “Stop googling things!”
At first this sort of pissed me off! How dare you blow off my concerns with such a simple and unsatisfactory answer? But I’ve stepped back and took a deep breath. I’ve spent my whole fertility journey so far questioning. Questioning my OB who didn’t believe I was ovulating, questioning my husbands desire to have kids when he didn’t put in as much effort as I expected, questioning myself and my ability to hold strong. There is no need for me to question my RE. I made myself clear when I said I only want one child and that I can’t afford, nor handle, multiples. I just have to trust that she is doing everything she can to help me get pregnant and also to minimize the risk of multiples.
So the theme for this post and for this cycle is letting go. On the surface it seems so counterintuitive because monitoring and taking medicine, going in for the HSG, peeing on sticks and using progesterone seems like the opposite of letting go, but so far I have relied on my body to do everything on its own. And while I would like it to have worked right, it hasn’t, and I have done EVERYTHING in my power to make this work naturally. It’s time that I trust the professionals, trust the pills and the creams, and trust that I can finally let go of control and feel hopeful.