Ouch!

You know, I thought I would come into this post about my HSG talking about fear and how I let my fear get the best of me, with some little drabble about how it wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected. Fear was going to be the theme of the post and I had written it out in my head before even getting into the radiology suite. BUT…I’m calling bullshit. That hurt so, so bad! It was probably the worst pain I have EVER felt in my life and I cursed and cried the whole time. It has taken me over a week to post this because of how different my experience was compared to my expectations.

They had trouble getting the catheter in so they had to use the balloon, which probably didn’t help with the pain. My doctor said that my tubes were clear but one of them was quite dilated and spilled about 10x as much as the other. So there’s that. My doctor didn’t seem too terribly concerned but she pointed it out.

Sorry to scare anyone who may be getting one soon but it was no cake walk for me. Right now it’s hard to find a good lesson to take away from this, some spark of light, some positive note to end on. The best I can say is that I survived, I’m strong, I’m proud of myself for getting through it, and I’m proud of any of you out there that have been through the same or similar procedure. This journey has made me both mentally and physically stronger, and I know I’ll look back one day, with a baby in my arms, and think about how it was all worth it. But for now, ouch!

Chapter Two.

Lonely. Sad. Tired. Worried. Scared. Failure.

Hopeful.

Chapter two of my fertility journey started the day after Christmas, which of course made phone calls and scheduling for this cycle more difficult than I was hoping. Today is CD9 and for the past 4 days I have taken 2.5mg of Letrozole (Femara) at 3pm on the dot. I called my RE office on CD5 in a panic because I wasn’t sure about what time I should take the pill, and then followed up with a whole slew of questions like:

-What if I overstimulate?
-Why am I not getting monitoring before CD14?
-What if I get a positive OPK on or before my HSG on CD11?
-Am I allowed to have sex before my HSG?
-Are you SURE that’s a good time to take the pill?

And to each question my nurse replied “Stop googling things!”

At first this sort of pissed me off! How dare you blow off my concerns with such a simple and unsatisfactory answer? But I’ve stepped back and took a deep breath. I’ve spent my whole fertility journey so far questioning. Questioning my OB who didn’t believe I was ovulating, questioning my husbands desire to have kids when he didn’t put in as much effort as I expected, questioning myself and my ability to hold strong. There is no need for me to question my RE. I made myself clear when I said I only want one child and that I can’t afford, nor handle, multiples. I just have to trust that she is doing everything she can to help me get pregnant and also to minimize the risk of multiples.

So the theme for this post and for this cycle is letting go. On the surface it seems so counterintuitive because monitoring and taking medicine, going in for the HSG, peeing on sticks and using progesterone seems like the opposite of letting go, but so far I have relied on my body to do everything on its own. And while I would like it to have worked right, it hasn’t, and I have done EVERYTHING in my power to make this work naturally. It’s time that I trust the professionals, trust the pills and the creams, and trust that I can finally let go of control and feel hopeful.